Can I Kill Your Dog PLEASE!!!


Ok so that’s a tad dramatic.  I am female after all,  so I reckon I can get away with a small array of dramatics from time to time.   I couldn’t really kill a dog, I just want it to shut up.  I just NEED to sleep sometime this year. Lack of sleep affects 1 in 4 people so I’m told by my doctor.  I’m certain, that currently I’m the one in the four.

Ask yourself, how much sleep you are currently getting on average a night? We don’t realise how important sleep is for our daily working routine, until we experience a period where we are deprived from it.

From the Harvard Medical School – Sleep, Performance, and Public Safety Lack of sleep exacts a toll on perception and judgment. In the workplace, its effects can be seen in reduced efficiency and productivity, errors, and accidents.

In our case, the reason we chose to live on five acres is so we didn’t have to worry about barking dogs and how loud our family is, but nevertheless one of our neighbours has gone and got new dog…a Pomeranian, who yap yap yaps all night long and the only time there is silence, is when its recharging its little fluffy Pomeranian batteries for another round of send Melissa friggin insane.

I swear, it is revenge!  Someone is out to prove a point.

Why? Wait for the hypocrisy about to come out of my mouth, the plot thickens….WE also have a Pomperian! WHOOPS.  Did those words really slip from my lips?  Cadbury is his name and Cadbury is a pomp with a smidgen of Chihuahua.  MY LORD you are thinking, the worst kind!  A yappy little person, who, doesn’t actually realise he is small. Cadbury has a bit of a reputation around the local streets.  He stands about 15 cms high & looks a bit like a miniature lion but in his heart of hearts, believes he is bigger then a German Sheppard as he prances proudly along the estate.

One day when we were out taking Cadbury for a walk an elderly lady was on her front lawn watering her garden & giggled as we came by; making a gesture to her husband sitting perched up on a plastic garden chair, beer in hand waiting for something.  It turned out that something was master Cadbury to come strolling by.  You see, Cadbury created great entertainment to this gentleman’s retired afternoons.   He simply loved to watch this little midget prance by thinking he was the king of the world and waited for him each afternoon.

Cadbury, unfortunately is also known to the neighbours for more embarrassing moments in time.   In my crazy life of running here and there with kids in tow, work etc, there may have been a somewhat short delay in Cadbury getting desexed.  Every week Jules would nag at me.  “Just let me take him then Melissa if you are too busy”.   “No”, I would say.  “I’m taking him in a couple of days.”  I don’t know why we mothers think it essential that we do everything and if someone questions our ability to do it all, we tend to err on irrational decision making at that time, before we accept that maybe just maybe we should let someone help us for a change.

Stubbornly and stupidly I kept saying, “I’m doing it, I’m doing it, I’ve got it completely under control”.  This usually means, I have nothing under control and Jules knows that line well.  This continued on until Cadbury decided he was in love with a prize Cocker Spaniel. Now this Cocker Spaniel, was eight years of age and not de-sexed and had only been breed with when the owners wished to, which had ceased long ago.

I’m not sure why they never de-sexed her after that, but in her eight years of life they had never had any trouble with a male dog, until Cadbury.  Cadbury’s love for the Cocker Spaniel was too strong.  He tried his very best to win her heart & (other things) with his confidence and charm.  To this day it’s hard to tell if she was actually on heat or not, I’m assuming yes, as he would flamboyantly float into her yard like a man possessed.  She on the other hand would run and hide and beg to enter the house.  In true Cadbury style, not realising he was a mere 15cm high and may not be as eye catching as a male Cocker Spaniel, tried to serenade her with his wailing.  We became less then popular with her owners very quickly. Let’s just say,  Cadbury was de-sexed shortly after.

There is another furry friend at our house, Cadbury’s best friend or sister, May the Bichion Friese (there’s a bit of a Maltese thing going on in there too I think) May Belongs to my middle son.  So after years of cattle dogs and bull mastiffs we now have two little dogs.  My theory was for the two boys to each have a dog; they would need to be small enough to fit in the car with all the kids. Cadbury’s owner & his best human friend is my youngest son.  Cadbury happened before Christmas one year.  My youngest son desperately wanted a puppy and his only request was, fluffy.  My only request was small & female.   I searched and searched.  I soon realised how expensive these small fluffy puppies were and I couldn’t warrant spending $700 odd dollars on one child’s present and then them having nothing to unwrap under the Christmas tree.

The girls in my office at the time got involved and we called everyone in town that advertised fluffy puppies, coming across Cadbury in a little local pet shop.  He was introduced to me as Edgar, as the lady from the pet shop sent a photo through on her phone.  The photo was not that pretty actually he looked somewhat, a scary little fluff ball, but I was running out of time before Christmas, so I perused this little furry friend. The girls at the office tried to talk me out of Edgar but I couldn’t help myself.  Cadbury as he was later to be called by my son, turned out to be a ball of fluff with quite interesting markings.  I learnt that he had had a sister but she had just been sold.  So buying a female wasn’t looking good at this stage.

There, I stood cuddling this powder puff with legs who was the most beautiful little creature God had breathed air into and gave myself the world’s best sales pitch. Ok Melissa, I told myself.  So it’s a male and you had strict instructions for a girl…hmm, its technically only a small body part in difference.  Turning him over I noticed it was a very very small body part and under all that fluff, maybe Jules wouldn’t notice that it was actually a boy. I had another problem, it is a Pom and Jules’s last words were, if it has to be one of those small fluffy dogs make sure it’s not a Pomeranian, I’m not having the neighbours annoyed by its OCD  yapping .

Hmm this one’s a tough one, because all my charm under the sun wouldn’t be able to explain why I blatantly took a breed of dog that he asked me not to.  Oh the other thing I should probably mention at this point, is I was also not supposed to get a dog at all without Jules, he really wanted us to do it together, so,  I was already lingering on strike three.

When lady from the pet shop asked what was troubling me  I said,”Oh, I wasn’t supposed to buy a Pomp that’s all.”  She laughed and said, “Well technically he is a quarter Chihuahua.” SOLD!

So home came Cadbury and his icepack.  Icepack because apparently with all his fluff he was getting too hot and liked to sleep on an icepack!  Well  first we had to pick up my eldest son on the way home who I made sit in the back seat with Cadbury, still called Edgar, in his box, as the lady at the pet shop had explained that he had just had his dinner but not been to the toilet yet.  He played away happily bouncing around in his box.  My son’s words were.  “What is that exactly?”  I said, “Your brothers Christmas present.”

Half an hour from town Edgar had a little accident and it got all stuck to his backside fur.  We wound down the windows and gagged all the way home.  My eldest son was less than impressed. On the arrival home we leapt out of the car for some fresh air and out ran my youngest boy, followed by his middle brother.   His oldest brother handed him the puppy full of poo…”Merry Friggin Christmas!”

My youngest boy didn’t care, he was so excited!  “Thanks so much mum for getting me a Guinea Pig!”  “That’s ok about the poo, I can give him his first bath!”  “AAh”, Buddy I say,” that’s not a Guinea Pig, it’s a puppy”.  “Really?” he said, “I seriously thought it was a Guinea Pig!”

May on the other hand, came about as my middle son originally had a kitten ‘Toots’, which Jules and I drove a five or six hour return trip to get. Yes another request for a fluffy thing.  Sadly just before we got Cadbury, the kitten, we believe got digested by our local huge birthday python.  We say birthday python because for some reason every major celebration a python appears, it’s quite amazing really. It lazes around for a day or two then disappears.

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You may have gathered by now,  I’m a pathetic Mummy Mummy.  My attempts to be strict are usually squashed by sad little faces and big bear hugs.  What’s worse is I know the children have worked out, if I just give mum a big cuddle she will completely give in. So even though Cadbury won everyone’s heart (except Jules) My middle son looked a little sad as he had not long lost his kitten.  This resulted in not too long after Christmas, me searching for the cheapest fluffy dog I could find.

I was really trying to avoid a white dog at this stage as we have a pond and every dog that comes to visit, ends up playing in the pond. This idea popped in my head one sat morning I think it was while Jules was at work.  I found a puppy in the classifieds that said $200 for a Bichion Friese.

Feeling confident that I could get this one past Jules,  as it had the French thing going on, I told myself that I would sell the idea to him as this puppy is a real French dog! I had no idea what a Bichion Friese was, so after I spent an appropriate amount of time googling, I quickly found out that there was a more than a huge chance that this puppy was white.  But as usual, I justified it to myself reasoning, that, at least this time it was female and this was an extremely good price for a pure breed Bichion Friese puppy.  The puppy was in Hervey Bay nearly two hours from where we live.

I announced to all the kids that we were going on an outing to get their middle brother a puppy.  It at no time made me question why the puppy was so cheap.  On the arrival, we discovered that the puppy was only two weeks old, bottle fed and I mean bottle fed, through the night etc. My middle son fell in love with this tiny puppy who didn’t even have its eyes open properly and couldn’t walk obviously, just slide places when it wanted to move. The lady explained that they couldn’t look after the puppy as they were moving and the mother was quite old to be having a pup and also could not look after it.  She wasn’t supposed to be able to have any more puppies and May was the only puppy, and was so big that the mother had to have a C section to deliver her.

I can do this I thought! So home came May.  Half way home, I started thinking, ohh I’ve done it again with Jules and the puppies, bad wife bad wife & this time it was premeditated.

My son was a brilliant little dad for May I must say.   We had to have a shift change though as May was waking up three times a night to be bottle fed and he wasn’t getting any sleep.  He never once whined, I just said to him one day, buddy you won’t be able to function at school if you don’t get any sleep. The thing that had not crossed my mind was what I was going to do with this little person when the kids were at school and I had to go to work as the feeding needed to continue.  Jules was once again less than impressed with my irrational behaviour.

So I made a little basket and pushed it under my desk hoping it wouldn’t draw too much attention.  May came to client listings and made quite an impression.  I’m pretty sure by now most of my clients were used to the crazy idiosyncrasies that fill my life.

Between yapping Cadbury and May who needed feeding through the night, sleep wasn’t happening, my own fault of course, but nevertheless I wasn’t getting much of it.  Getting enough sleep is essential for all aspects of our life, but importantly our working life.

My life is high passed, usually high stressed & crazy most of the time, but if I can manage those 8 hours a night, I’m fully recharged and ready to go again!

Yes, I have learnt my lessons about buying puppies & I’ve also learnt that with enough sleep you can cope with just about anything!

Have a look at the 16 Things you didn’t know about sleep!

Now go get some ZZZZZZ’s…….


Melissa Gaultier

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